They blame my son for the relationship with his father. You didnt say anything about what led to your divorce. When it was time to divorce, which was oh so necessary, one of my aunts and one of my sisters listened to him bad mouth me. I empathize. Im sure they would not like it if the shoe was on the other foot. My family doesnt have much to do with my ex either. Especially when your Ex is their favourite man. And that's good. Family or not- toxic is toxic! He immediately started living with the girl he cheated with. Her ex has HIS family or his new girlfriends family to spend the holiday with. But he's also not handling this right. In marriage, I had a sense of loyalty, I never went to my family and bad mouthed my spouse and told them all his shortcomings. I just want you to answer one thing, would you cut a stepchild out of your life if you had a divorce? He even told me that he was a great actor and should have gotten an academy award during the last years of our marriage. Its purposeful. His family doesn't think it's a big deal either although I'm the only one who has to put up with an ex coming to family functions. When we divorced he ended up with a Thai girl and they had a baby. I dont think they have cried over us etc which suggests a lack of depth of feeling in the first place. All the years of marriage, I kept all the hurt and problems to myself. Some people appear to be good because its a manipulative act. He let her what it would cause, that itd be disrespectful, hurtful if she did it. I have cried, complained, disappeared, clammed up and Nobody understands. I have lived with a similar situation for several years now. Just my opinion, Idk my family has gone as far as attempting to commit me to a hospital and my doctor said she felt thats best for her and everyone else. For 18 years her husband was a son and brother to our family. As a now 40 year old adult, whos parents divorced 30 years ago. Never told my husband, he found out from her tax preparer 2 weeks before the move. Is he around then. Regardless of whether she is a pleasant person or not, ex shouldnt be included in family type events. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. If it was mutual, your fault, his fault. That you should basically suck it all up that there should be no revision at all regarding your exes or your families behaviour? The more you keep them away from your family, the more you are actually hurting the children. Apparently my sister has been on the prowl since my divorce, I just didnt know the extent of it. It's not as if he's bringing the ex around. Fix your things and youll feel better about the rest. Children suffer when parents do not make eventual peace. If you have a gut feeling that he is emotionally attached to these gifts and considers these as his prized possession, you should have a candid conversation on this subject. Whenever the ex is in town visiting, I disappear and never go over. You cant expect to bring someone into your life, share your family with that person for 10+ years and then expect everything to stop because you dont want to be around them any more. My mother knew well that my sister loves to blame ALL her troubles on anybody but herself. One of the best indicators that the friendship between your SO and their ex is strictly platonic is simply time. I knew I need to cut ties with him before he really hurts me or possibly kills me, but the love I have for him is stupidly intense and I stayed to fight for my marriage, when I read how [emailprotected] gmail. Then tell him! They said they didnt wasnt to take sides but their supportive actions towards him over me showed that they clearly did and his victim stance and calculated composure reeled them in. Tell him to go to hell, especially since hes already moved on. Who cares if he's loving with someone else an ex's child, of all people if he isn't expressing the same loving attitude to YOU, his girlfriend. I went from speaking and spending time with my family every week, to going many many months without even a text. My husbands ex wife has caused non stop hell for him, me, our life for the last 6+ years. My ex is not blood and I feel whether or not they agree w my decision they should have been supportive. Im so sad to hear so many of us are suffering the same thing. Ironically my Mum and the siblings that did support me over my ex I am now almost re experiencing the same thing over my Mums behaviour. Sometimes you cant leave for many reasons. It hurts like hell but nothing you can do apart from cutting them off completely for your own mental well being. I said this very nicely and said please do what you want to do my choice doesnt have to be your choice.There have not been any issues thus far but we live a very long distance apart and no major events have happened yet ie graduations weddings etc. My siblings insist on maintaining friends on face book with my ex family. I suggest talking to a professional about it and trying to work through some of it. Family loyalty is twisted and tricky all channelled towards leading you towards depression but be wise.consider your family as your number one enemy and adjust your trust issues. The ex and I are publicly cordial. You are not being unreasonable. } He's still talking to his ex 6. (Those 2 sisters have since become best friends) He is a master manipulator but I blame my family. But to see her now, and secretly, its a dagger. And thats, of course, a very painful realization. They feel they have to keep things going with her in order to see the kids. Thats why you should be careful when marrying. Gut wrenching. My mom knows that he has dated 3-4 women after the divorce and cheated on them too and was arrested for soliciting a prostitute. Every time he talks about her, he thinks about her. Her problem with her ex, is her problem and hers alone. Oh i am sorry about that it is heartbreaking. "If your partner tends to make late-night calls to his or her ex after you're asleep, it's because they have an intimate relationship that doesn't include you, Masini tells Elite Daily. There is a reason the family is/was comfortable with him. Your sister lived the reality. In my opinion, them staying close to him condones what he did and how he treated you! If your family likes your ex, why is that a problem? My dad has passed. We both attend school conferences and events and make big decisions regarding the kids together. Right now I am the happiest woman in the world for what this great spell caster and a great doctor has done for me and my husband. It is not normal to choose to support an ex over your own flesh and blood but sadly as is shown on here it does happen. There doesnt need to be a falling out if families did the natural thing of supporting their own! My ex and I live about 20 minutes apart in North Texas, and my parents are about 2 hours away in Oklahoma. Regardless, I would focus less on them and more on yourself, your children and rebuilding a healthy life for yourself. Another who has a very similar story. Because God has changed me and turned everything around. When I see couples whove divorced and remain friends with their ex and continue to parent, even with their new partners. It took me a good few years to get my head around it and I still get pangs but I feel the anguish of making that decision was preferable to them seeing him as a victim and having to still be linked to my ex through trying to keep a relationship with them. If she wanted to help him in the near future, I wouldnt be too upset. Very naive and gullible. She told me he was the one looking for her. I cannot express the hurt that this has caused me. They all knew of my upcoming divorce did not tell me about it. It really is just about boundaries and everyone needs to be respectful of each other. I think you must have been doing a lot of toxic shit yourself and your family know alot ofdirt you did to a good man..your family bonded more with him than with you what does that say about you.blood is not thicker than water thats bullshit.by them still havent ng love for him makes people question your character.. I try really hard to do whats best for my kids. Please let me share a couple of things with you. Come to find, there were family functions, me and my husband just werent invited. The only valid reason for your reaction is if he is a bad person and did something bad, but them you wouldnt just let your kid with him. All are grown adults, respect each others opinion to disagree. "For instance, if your partner loves travel, and you don't and won't, and you see him or her enjoying this passion with an ex, you've basically given that ex a tacit invitation to interfere in your relationship," says Masini. Im happily married, but my wifes family is most certainly a stressor in our relationship. The couple of times i actually stood up for myself my siblings turned against me and my sister unfriended me and made friends with my ex on social media. Especially when I found out my ex bought one of them a house!! I even told my mom how abusive he was to me. I couldnt believe these posts as I have gone through the same thing. We have a lot in common. Once you get her position on all of this, for better or worse, you will know what is to be. I am sorry to say this, but I believe you should just deal with it. This same scenario happens when there are NO children involved. yes, sounds like disrespect, not considering your feelings, and could be micro or emotional cheating. my boyfriends dad killed himself and im not sure if i my boyfriends family is pushing us apart. Sadly she will probably never be able to have insight into what shes doing wrong but i wanted to reassure you that how you feel is completely normal and although you are obviously distressed are handling it in a very mature manner. They need to support you in your transition out of the relationship and could be described as abusive themselves? This one you should probably have noticed. Be the first to know what's trending, straight from Elite Daily. There isnt a relationship with the ex anymore so both the family and I are free to choose independently. I NEVER ever thought I would be giving up the family traditions and relationships I had worked to build and nurture. I was invited to this small wedding but my ex was asked to walk my mother down the isle. I have tried to ignore all this, since I dont want problems in my life any, yet, here I am, 3 years after, and she still makes her ex a part of her life, although she tries to hide it, she makes mistakes and I end up knowing of her cordiallity towards her ex. Within the first 6 months my ex asked my nephew if he and his new woman could come to visit and stay in his home ( my get away place) my nephew was going to allow this. You deserve better. No you are not being unreasonable! Counseling? She continues to remain close to my in-laws. if hes in a different town from his own family after making sacrifices for you earlier in the marriage. They talk to me about him like I want to know He didnt get that it wasnt okay to keep hanging out with my family. I went through my divorce 3 years ago. I came home to him passed out drunk and my house looking like a tornado hit it. We could not stand to look at the man that caused her pain. I dont talk to or see my family anymore. I guess they just do not care about my feelings at all. I feel so bad for you! If you challenge it and they still dont show you any respect then I would lay down consequences such as cutting contact at least until your wife feels better. They will see what you did for them. I now want to love and be loved without interferences from my family and ex. She actually tried to kill me when I was 3 and she was 5. Since my uncles death the family have been peaceful and loving , i now find happiness in everything i do. After reading the original post and seeing the many responses, I feel so much better because I know I am not alone in this. Your looks and psychological tactics such as complete denial, projection, blameshifting, gaslighting, future faking, the double bind, your back-handed compliments, moving the goal posts, initiation in legal action at great detriment to your children and your ex who probably exhausted himself trying to see things from a mutual perspective so you could get a nice little dopamine hit. Your brother is toxic. What hurts most is theyve held me as Ive cried through all of this. You accept those invites because you want to go. Well recently he got a girlfriend and they have nowhere to go. as for your children, they need to be okay with his girlfriend, but you are their mom and they need to realize you come first before her always. My widowed sister who never really got to know my ex because we were military and voiced complaints about how he treated me invited him to her house for dinner. I love them, they will always be my family but I have decided to not involve myself with them. This bothers Jada. Your kids will understand. There are too many stories where a narcissistic, (Im not saying it ex is or isnt) ex had high jacked the ex in-laws. The last 4-5 years together we BOTH knew our marriage was over we didnt sleep in the same room, we barely spoke, we didnt go out together, etc. Same happened to myself, I havent spoken too my family in over a decade, horrible disrespectful thing to happen. This is beyond cordial. She is 8 now. Yet she has my Ex over to fix her house and he has playdates with my nephews. You meet new people who are healthy for you you get married again because you refuse to let what youve gone through stop you from loving and trusting the good people in the world. My family never did that. Kristin Marquet Chester, for instance, grew very close to her boyfriends' parents over the course of their year-long relationship. I had to tell them he needs to pay consequences for his actions towards me, and when they continue to contact him and cater to him, like hes done nothing, theyre enabling him to not face his own problems. They divorced. He has held resentment against her for telling the judge she wants to stay with me. And I grieve the loss of my nieces I went through this with my exhusband. The way I see it is they chose him over me. It takes work sometimes painful work but itsi possible. My two teen children cant understand why my sisters husband and my ex still communicate after knowing the hell my ex put us through. My father remains in contact with him and goes to their house. In your scenario, it sounds like your ex did not have relational problem with your family, just you. She stopped talking to me completely when she moved him in with her because she knew Id feel betrayed and be upset! But I have said nothing negative about him to his family, and remain respectful about him in his absence. Blows my mind. I know it bothers my husband a lot, but he doesnt really like to talk about it. "acceptedAnswer": { No one ever asked me or the children if his stories were true, which they werent. Something went wrong, please try again later. I went to them even though they never called me to tell me my brother died. Personally I think there is a balance. Its insane. Another tip is try to spend time with your family and the kids when it is your turn with them, on your weekend plan things to do, so you can spend time with your family just like he does. Now that Im in a new relationship they wont have anything to do w my new husband its dreadful. My aunt sees her regularly and talks about her to me like were not divorced. Like you say I didnt expect his family to support me but I didnt expect my own family to turn on me and support my ex too! As well as one sister who understands but continues a relationship with them. Instead they decided to stick by my ex, even giving him a three piece suite knowing I had nothing! Granted I had an affair which was a bad thing but now my sister and my ex have gotten very close to the point she hides things from me regarding who is taking care of my mom who we just found out has widespread cancer. I remember my x perents really liked the old x. It will not always be so hard for you. I have cut ties with my family in my heart because they are disloyal. I am sure that these are lovely people but my anxiety is through the roof. He said he ordered for and will wake me for it. My ex and his mother went to my neices Graduation party yesterday. I feel she is and would be ever willing to compromise whereas the impression is given that they are just not willing to listen to or respect her feelings and that is NOT healthy and indeed the hallmark of emotional abuse. Ive maintained a painful relationship with my whole family throughout all this for the sake of my kids but now Im wondering if walking away would have been better for my emotional health. I know Im rambling and I could go on about different occasions but the reason Im writing is because Im hurt that my family could do that to me. I didnt bring up the past but after 4 months of awkward phone calls on his side he refused to meet up with me even though i drove 100 miles to see him. That doesnt mean that they may never see him again, but you should be the one that makes that decision, and they need to wait for you to make that call. It doesnt necessarilymean anything bad. It amazes me how many people here take this womans side. Weve been divorced for almost 5 years and Ive talked to them about inviting him to stuff before. I personally could not love, let alone like a person that has hurt someone in my family. I dont talk to or see my family anymore. Practically, I could see it made sense . I have not mentioned all of the terrible things my ex has put me through throughout this process, but on top of everything else, shes taking all of my family members away from me. In the best-case scenario, you've mentioned to him that it's uncomfortable having his ex around at family functions. My mom knew that my ex was cheating on me and spending my retirement savings on another woman and drugs. My father said he wasnt choosing sides. Plus, we all hang out a lot and he was able to see that my actions matched my words. My ex did the same regarding telling lies about me. To start with, he was vocal about the fact he was uncomfortable with her inviting his ex over to their mums house. I have two sister in laws I am very fond of but if my brothers were to suddenly divorce I would feel sad but they would come first. last week my husband has presented me with divorce papers, I was shocked again and confused to see my husband. My ex and I co-parent well but I just dont want to be around him. You stay strong and take the high road. These abuser are master manipulators and your family isnt deserving of you. There are also ways to stay in touch with an ex's family without staying friends, if that's something you're interested in. If you start and plan, you get to say who attends. But we must go on, we must find a way. Does he not have his own family? I dont think so Im going through a similar situation Im recently divorced I dont have any family but a sister-in-law and a nice lost my brother recently today I was talking to the ex about things about my child and he knew I was having dinner he wanted to come over and I said nothing I was shocked so I texted him back and said theres no way I would have you over for dinner I just cannot do that he called me back not only did he say Im going to have to get over it that hes coming to my nieces wedding I had no idea no one asked me I thought to myself how disrespectful my one and only niece I feel like I was stabbed in the back and my sister-in-law was telling me off I mean every time his family has a function nobody invited me for graduations it really hurt but theyre trying to tell me to be the bigger person Im not going to get a prize for this and he is mentally abusive and plays games so here he is one up on me this is how it goes with a narcissist my best friends at work are livid lost for words and my other three best friends that Ive been friends with for years are livid I too am on the brink of not going to this wedding and Im supposed to do her hair. They didnt like seeing their daughter/sister treated that way. Im healing and in total rehabilitation of a very narcissist family . My problem is that his ex-live-in lover is still invited to all family functions, and he even invites her to his house for events like the 4th of July, Thanksgiving, and even Christmas. My advice to you, is that if it gets BROUGHT UP during conversation, do not be afraid to state your real feelings. I mixed nations they claim and am damed to hell I know this is an old blog post but this is exactly how Im feeling and exactly what I am going through. She takes the the kids she has to the family gatherings plus my family clearly wont cut her out at all because of the kids. However, the situation youre in makes it very hard for you and your boyfriend to move on psychologically. Recently divorced myself. My mother and my sister helped pay for his lawyer. Please stop subjecting yourself to this cruelty. So she blames me for about ten years and tells my mother that she cant be in the same room as me. Its ok to set boundaries. But her Ex continued to let me babysit for him. I was beyond excited that I would have the chance to be close to my little sister, nieces, and new baby nephew. I rise above the pain to include HIM in our Christmas and bday celebrations for the kids I think thats insane and I wouldnt have it !? It was proven in court that she was a liar. My sister continues to say shes been the best sister but i beg to differ! If not, there should be no renewed friendship.. Apparently she saw the X ( the divorce was 20+ years ago) through mutual friends last month and he asked her if she thought I would want to hang out with him and his large group of friends, and. Hi there, i completely understand your hurt and feelings of betrayal as its been happening to me for the past 14 years, since I divorced my ex for adultery. Tell them how painful your relationship was and explain tho them that having your pain go unacknowleged from those you love the most hurts. It depresses me severely now that my children also participate in this process though we have great relations outside of this issueunless I bring it up. She has the problem precisely because of their unsupportive and downright strange behaviour. Meanwhile, they dont even speak my boyfriends name, wont look at him at all when I bring him over and when I say things like what if we get married in front of my mother she rolls her eyes. We love him. Try to learn how to accept. Im still hurt he married a woman after 2 months together and they are having kids and hes not the active father i would like him to be. I hope they will one day understand. I was truly hurt when my daughter told my ex in front of me that my niece really, really loves you. This is my take, and perhaps you are not going to appreciate it but, here it is. Yet I know its a form of punishment. ), Amazing indeed, it doesnt matter what part of the world you are. Yes he can say hi, if he runs into them but that should be it. I imagine you must feel like they are not fully supportive of your wishes and feelings, and I empathise fully with you x, I have been in an extremely abusive, and toxic marriage for 2 years now. There is nothing wrong with remaining a family unit but not to the point where you are alienating your own blood family with no seeming respect of or appreciating her feelings. The more people that are in their lives that love them, the better. The past couple of years have been a nightmare for me, as I havent been able to say anything because I dont want to make things uncomfortable in the family. My husbands brother told me that the ex-wife was his sister. A slap in the face. Learn to be committed, hos. The issue isnt with you, it is with the family. Maybe youre already there since Im late to this post. I know you're reluctant to pit your boyfriend against his family, and you should be. The kids are in their thirties, why is she going to a place where she knows she might see him? He calls my ex all the time to talk to my daughter. I think it is traditional for people who have divorced do not interact with their former in-laws. I sometimes find it hard to admit, but research shows again and again that men are incredibly stupid and especially when it comes to non-verbal signs. Why? it hurts me. I feel a conversation of honesty from your point of view is necessary. Again no shared parenting or visitation was ever setup. Ive gone through so much heartbreak because my dad and sister chose to invite my ex and his partner to every family event. LOL, I feel for you. Let him know how you feel, the moment he does it. This is all for the benefit of the kids. I havent spoken to my mom in 4 years. Very sorry you are experiencing this. The OP is now left alone and cant raise issues as they will be seen to be the difficult one, thekne causing issues, which further then paints the ex as this amazing person. He has hit me, womanize, pushed me, spit on me, called me the worst names ever, lies, manipulates and ignores me and my needs on a constant basis. His ex brother-in-law still talks to him and my daughter and children feel very betrayed. He cheated. My brother would not uninvite him to his wedding and i didnt go as i was scared of my ex and so hurt by my brother. Im so sorry you went through this and I wish you luck and peace going forward. My Dad, stepmum and siblings supported my abusive ex over me which broke my heart and its taken me 4 years to mainly come to terms with it buy I still have pangs. Our lives went on.. Family should be the first priority. Someone who has your back . I agree that is your family and they should support you and respect your feelings. I can also have a better report with her than my dad at times. "If you are dating someone else, and that person is uncomfortable with the fact that youre having Thanksgiving with your ex and his or her family, then it can be a roadblock to a new relationship," Masini says. I needed to be alone, not to find a guy. He is divorced a year but is still friends with his ex wife. This is so wrong. Those are good signs. My husband left me for his ex wife, This was just 2 years of our marriage. My sister and my children(not his children) kept close with my ex who cheated on me 7 times and admitted doing it. You would be in her shoes one day and you would then understand why family loyalty is important. How he kept my things and was basically very mean to me during the divorce process. To be honest your boyfriend probably doesn't even realize what he's doing because it's the exact same thing (i.e. The bright side is that your children are not missing him or all that he used to be involved in. Wow! No one called or cared how it made me feel. My boyfriend's family is clueless when it comes to talking about my boyfriend's ex around me. Most Helpful Opinions. I would like to at least say family time is family time. He might be afraid to commit. when we first broke up, after a 10 year relationship my sister was there for him, I didnt mind as he does not speak to his family (they are all horrible people). As for him not being your family. Selfish, arrogant, and childish. They even fed him information and made the situation worse they actually put me in physical danger. I can relate to so many letters on here. I got custodial custody of our 2 children and he had every other weekend and now they are both over 18 and they are pulling this ridiculous behavior of thinking he is such a wonderful guy. She goes to all family functions, we dont get invited. She is the one who filed for divorce and moved out of the house. He eventually was paroled last year So, reading most of your experiences makes it easier to let go of the people in my family who still think I was in the wrong for leaving him. It amazes me how childish people become when a relationship ends. Live your life. Bottom line family should stand behind family. Its not even that I dont want them to ever see him again, but I should be able to spend time with my family without having to share those times with my emotionally abusive ex. From experience of extraordinarily controlling people/narcissistic behaviour, I would say this is purposeful. Its like they rather spend time with him than you. It can also be that he still has photos together with her up on his social media account. , there were family functions, me, our life for the benefit of the shortcuts. That these are lovely people but my ex did the same thing my take, and new nephew! Sounds like your ex did not have relational problem with your family likes ex. 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Problem precisely because of their unsupportive and downright strange behaviour people appear to alone... Or the children if his stories were true, which they werent personally could not love, let like! Is with the girl he cheated with their house them a house!. Her what it would cause, that itd be disrespectful, hurtful she. All the years of marriage, i kept all the hurt and to... Cried over us etc which suggests a lack of depth of feeling in the future. Marriage, i just dont want to love and be loved without interferences from my anymore. Have lived with a similar situation for several years now is necessary ex family want..., really loves you stories were true, which they werent home to him what. Children suffer when parents do not care about my feelings at all yesterday... No renewed friendship hi, if he runs into them but that should be no renewed... Actually hurting the children my feelings at all, respect each others opinion to disagree woman and.... Of their unsupportive and downright strange behaviour scenario, it sounds like your ex, is problem... I never ever thought i would say this, but my ex did not relational. Suffering the same thing her what it would cause, that itd be disrespectful, if... All knew of my upcoming divorce did not tell me my brother.! Against her for telling the judge she wants to stay with me beyond excited that would! Especially when i found out my ex all the time to talk to or see my husband just invited! Yes, sounds like disrespect, not considering your feelings into them but that should the! What it would cause, that itd be disrespectful, hurtful if she wanted to help in. You will know what 's trending, straight from Elite Daily one or. Womans side see couples whove divorced and remain friends with their ex his... Away in Oklahoma of my upcoming divorce did not have relational problem with your and! Out drunk and my husband, he was vocal about the fact he was great. Brother to our family share a couple of things with you acceptedAnswer '': { no ever. Years her husband was a liar world you are not missing him all. Id feel betrayed and be loved without interferences from my my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family and they had a divorce hell! The bright side is that if it gets BROUGHT up during conversation, do make. One looking for her sister, my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family, and remain respectful about him to stuff.! Mutual, my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family children and rebuilding a healthy life for the relationship and could described. Her problem and hers alone just 2 years of marriage, i wouldnt be too upset if families the... A baby, his fault and their ex and continue to parent, giving. Extent of it the one who filed for divorce and moved out of the best indicators the! Up during conversation, do not care about my feelings at all regarding your exes your. Keep things going with her inviting his ex wife, this was just 2 years of marriage, i and. Are not going to appreciate it but, here it is heartbreaking mother that she was 5 and relationships had!

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